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5 Conversations to Have Before the Wedding by Dr. Denkin on DivineCaroline.com

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Dr. Edythe Denkin is a certified Imago Therapist and has been working with couples for over twenty-five years. In her new book Relationship Magic, she teaches the importance of learning how communicating through dialoguing with your partner as the path to achieve “happily ever after.” Here she shares some advice for engaged women:

On your way to the altar there are several important conversations to have with your soon-to-be groom. Of course it is more exciting and fun to talk about the color of the table linens and your honeymoon, but having these vital conversations before the wedding can help to prevent future problems in your marriage and put you and your groom well on your way to a long-lasting and happy union.

1. Children and Parenting
Most couples discuss the possibility of having children before they get engaged. However, it is also important to answer the following questions. How many children do each of you want? When would you like to start having children? What are each of your parenting styles? Who will be in charge of discipline? Being a parent will be a very rewarding part of your relationship but it can also be the source of great stress if you wait until the children start coming to talk about each other’s ideas of parenting.

2. Money
This is probably the least favorite topic of conversation for most couples but one of the most important. Almost 25 to 30 percent of married people admit to either lying about their spending to their spouse or withholding information about their spending from their spouse. Important topics to discuss include: who will manage the finances? Are you a “saver” or a “spender”? Will you keep separate or joint accounts? What are your goals for long-term saving/investing? Many of our ideas about money come from our childhood and our parents. Did your family spend money more liberally than his? If so, he might think that you should save more while you think he is too frugal. Understanding the differences between the two of you will assist you in achieving your financial goals together.

3. Sex
How many times have you heard this before: “Sex is not the most important part of a marriage”? It may not be the most important part but it sure is a very, very important part. Like number two on the list, talking about sex can be uncomfortable or even downright embarrassing, but you have to do it.
How many times a week is “satisfactory”? What activities are acceptable in the bedroom and what aren’t? Sex is a way to build intimacy with your husband and if one of you isn’t satisfied with your sex life, your entire relationship may suffer. And just because you haven’t heard any complaints, don’t assume that everything is okay. Ask and use open and honest dialoguing without judgment. And don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or need.

4. Life Goals
Planning for the future starts when you say “yes” to the marriage proposal. The planning and preparation involved in a wedding is good practice for the planning you will do as a couple from this point on. Life goals include family, finances, career, and retirement, and can change at any stage of life. Do you want to go back to school to earn an advanced degree or move to another country at some point in your life? Are your individual goals supported and/or shared by your soon-to-be husband? Do you share his desire to start a family business? If not, you will need to learn how to compromise and negotiate a plan that allows you both to reach your individual goals and also your goals as a couple. This communication strategy will set the stage for building a strong partnership with your husband. Remember to always have a shared goal that you are working on. This gives you something to look forward to and also strengthens your bond.

5. Philosophy of Marriage
What roles do each of you expect yourself and each other to play in the marriage? Is it ok to share his secrets with your friends? Do you imagine that you will spend all of your time together or that you will have your own life and friends as well? What are your shared and not shared morals and values? Your philosophy of marriage can be thought of as the foundation of your relationship and a solid foundation results in a solid marriage.

By dialoguing with your fiancé about these topics before your wedding, and throughout your marriage, you and your groom will form a deep emotional intimacy that will enable your marriage to grow stronger each day. Marriage is a wonderful experience and one that you will cherish for the rest of your life. Putting the work and effort in before the wedding will help to ensure your happiness and longevity.


Edythe Denkin, PhD: Regain Your Emotional Freedom
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